Tag Archives: I wish I may I wish I might

Path to grace

19 May
Sometimes I struggle with grace.  My father always told me it was more important to be kind than to be right.  I can lean on the side self indignation at times.  In particular lately I have felt my boundaries crossed, social courtesies not extended, people riding my patience until the line is too taunt, too frayed like my nerves.
Some of the most enjoyable people I know don’t keep a scorecard, don’t find the process arduous.  They are enthusiastic about the journey and are honorably grateful to give and receive love.
I believe if I practiced my meditations more often, perhaps I would live in the moment and not wonder what is next to come.  I know my greatest goal yet to be achieved is to be fully present during this life.  My mind races on some days like the stock exchange ticker tape calculating the days priorities. 
The other day my daughters were discussing cloud shapes, which I observed you had to do from your back lying in the grass.  I could not remember the last time I had bent in the grass without a weed agenda.  I laid down and looked at the sky and felt myself exhale for the first time in weeks.  I remember when I was young my sisters and I would climb trees and compare caluses on our palms.  Lately I only seem aware of my body when it aches from overexertion, not from exploring. 
I think all of this is related; the tedium of have to’s, feeling less gracious and the disconnect from childhood pleasures.  Today at my gym my machine faced the pool and an elderly swim class was being held.  Simultaneously, a group of about twenty older folks started clapping and cheering for a man who entered in a wheelchair.  He beamed from ear to ear and took an awkward sitting bow.  I asked one of the trainers what has caused the ruckus to which she said he is terminally ill but attended one last class.  The cacophony of happiness touched me and reminded me for a moment that some days we work too hard, too long, so thoroughly without climax!   The man was happy to attend one last class.  Trite but true life is short for all of us, it’s not a race just inevitable over at some point.  It reminds me of a woman I once knew who always ordered dessert first.  When asked why she responded, “life is so uncertain and I love pie .”
My father is right, kindness to others is important.  Perhaps he should have also reiterated if we are kind to ourselves it might make the outlook easier.  I told myself I would spend more time with the girls discerning cloud shapes, but who knows what tomorrow brings.  Today we bought a small tent.  My first th0ught- I have to mow, pooper scoop and then assemble.  My second inclination was the look of absolute joy that only a child knows-pure giddiness at the possibility.  So giddy won and tonight we will wish upon stars.  Yes, I often fall from grace, but tonight I’ll wish for some.